How the way you think about happiness might be robbing you of joy
As a Clinical Hypnotherapist, I work with people who want to make changes in their lives, and it’s common for me to hear “I’m not happy”.
Many wish there was a volume knob that allowed them to turn up their happiness levels. Does this sound familiar?
The problem is that volume-knob approach to happiness ignores the fact that your positive experience in life is actually made up of different types of experience. When positive experience is treated as one thing, your only option is to try to turn it up – to get more. More alcohol, more shopping, more escapes. If only I had more money, then I’d be happy.
Intuitively we know that “more” doesn’t make us whole, but if that’s the only tool we have, that’s what we’ll use.
Would like to discover a new way to think about happiness?
Instead of thinking about a happiness as one thing, think of your positive experience as a mixture of pleasure, happiness and joy. So instead of a volume knob, see an equaliser – where you can mix the levels of each of these.
In music, equalisers allow you to adjust the levels of the different frequencies of a song – the base carries the energy of the song, the mids capture the overall melody and the treble gives you the highlights. Modulating these allows you to change the experience of sound.
In the same way you can modulate pleasure, happiness and joy to adjust the positive experience of your life.
Let’s unpack the difference between these three frequencies.
Pleasure is your reward mechanism. It is there to encourage and maintain the patterns of your life. Pleasure says “this feels good”. It’s the easiest and quickest way to alter your experience, but it is also very short lived and habituating. That means that if overused, over time you’ll need more and more to get the same positive experience.
Happiness is your assessment of how the patterns of your life are stacking up against your expectations. Read that again, slowly. Happiness says “ things are going well”. Establishing positive patterns creates a stable positive experience in your life because they help you shape your expectations and temper your assessments.
Joy is a state-of-being. It’s a deep awareness and connection to your purpose and meaning in life, to others, the universe and God. It transcends circumstances. Joy says “am deeply alive in this moment.” Joy is both cultivated and discovered.
Want to know how things go wrong so you can avoid it?
When you feel a lack of positive experience in your life, your easiest and quickest fix is pleasure. Cheap pleasure is pleasure that’s disconnected from the virtue of positive patterns, and it hurts you. It makes you weaker. It rewards escaping from what needs to be addressed in your life and from establishing the very positive patterns that will make you happier.
Are you using pleasure to escape something? Imagine what overcoming that issue would feel like.
OK, now, would you like to know how you can modulate the positive experiences in your life so you have a happier 2026? Here is how:
Connect pleasure with positive patterns and purpose
Whether it’s a cup of coffee, listening to your favourite podcast, watching your fav show, visiting that cafe or eating that snack. Connect it to positive patterns in your life.
Visit the cafe after working out. Only scroll on socials while you floss your teeth. Watch your favourite show while you do your exercise.
Pleasure only belongs to the positive patterns in your life.
Shift your attention to outcomes to patterns.
Whenever you feel the sting of an event not going your way, it will now be a trigger for you to review your patterns in that area of your life. The patterns are what matters. Remember, happiness is your assessment of how life is going in comparison to your expectations.
The patterns is what you need to assess. The patterns are what is within your sphere of control. What do you need to learn? What do you need to do differently?
Pursue meaning and purpose in your life.
Connecting with your wider purpose in life in an authentic manner will help increase joy in your life. Here are six ways:
- Exploration – discovering the new and wonder of life, the world and people.
- Creation/Production – create for the joy of creation or the service of others.
- Expansion – grow in learning, experience and connection to key virtues like peace and love
- Expression – get better at expressing your inner world (feelings, ideas, insights), whether written or spoken.
- Connection – start removing the masks you put on with others. Avoid playing guessing games with others.
- Adoration – spend time with your creator. Instead of asking ‘why’ questions, ask ‘what do you want me to learn here?’
Want to know more? Check out this video:
