One of the most powerful things you can realise is that as humans we create mental models of the people we interact with. It’s like we create a hologram of the person in our mind, made out of the few bits of information that we know about them and our minds fill in the rest.
Have you ever talked with someone on the phone for a while and then when you meet them for the first time you think “they look nothing like what I thought!” – hologram.
And this doesn’t just happen with the way they look, but with their character, their beliefs, their preferences etc. We do this even with people we’re familiar with. Our parents, siblings, friends, colleagues, our spouses and partners.
Our minds fill in a lot of the gaps we have in our holograms with assumptions, beliefs, imaginations.
The reason your mind does that is because it needs a mental model of the people (and things) around you to make sense of the world and better predict how different actions would play. They’re like little mental dolls that it can use in to test out different scenarios. You know when you’re having that furious debate in your head with our Aunt Mary and her curious political opinions – mental models.
When you’re talking with someone you project your mental model of them as a hologram that covers them. The things they say and do are filtered through your holographic version of them – through your assumptions, beliefs and imaginations. Have you ever had a fight due to a misunderstanding? Holograms.
Have you ever had a friend fall in love with someone and they can only see the wonderful things about them? You wonder why they can’t see the obvious flaws, but they can only see the hologram they created about their love interest.
But What Can You Do About It?
Understanding that you’re interacting with your own mental models rather than the actual person is the first step towards more authentic and meaningful relationships. Here’s how you can start to clear away the holograms:
- Acknowledge Your Holograms: The next time you find yourself reacting strongly to someone—whether positively or negatively—pause and consider if you’re responding to them or to the hologram you’ve created. Ask yourself what assumptions you might be making and whether those assumptions are rooted in reality.
- Seek More Data: Holograms are built from fragments. If you want a clearer picture, gather more pieces. Ask questions, listen carefully, and be open to learning things that might challenge your existing model. This might mean engaging in deeper conversations or simply observing them in different contexts.
- Practice Empathy: Empathy is about understanding someone else’s perspective, but it’s also about recognizing that your version of their story might not be complete. By practicing empathy, you give others the space to be more than just the hologram you’ve built.
- Challenge Your Assumptions: Regularly revisit the assumptions you hold about the people close to you. Are they still true? Were they ever true? People change, and so should our mental models of them. By updating your holograms, you’re allowing your relationships to evolve naturally.
- Communicate Openly: Misunderstandings often arise when we don’t communicate what’s in our heads. By sharing your thoughts, feelings, and perceptions with others, you can align your mental models more closely with reality. Encourage others to do the same.
- Embrace Complexity: People are complex and multifaceted. Instead of simplifying someone into a one-dimensional hologram, embrace their complexity. Recognize that everyone has layers, and those layers might not always be visible.
Final Thoughts
Realizing that all your friends are holograms—and that you are one too in the minds of others—can be both humbling and liberating. It reminds us that our understanding of others is always incomplete and that there’s always more to discover. By approaching your relationships with curiosity, openness, and a willingness to update your mental models, you can foster deeper connections and more authentic interactions.
So, the next time you find yourself frustrated with someone or surprised by their actions, remember: it might just be the hologram. And that’s something you can work with.
